The Ritz, Piccadilly, London

Now, if you’re blue... — [I think I’d always imagined it was only for the likes of Fred and Ginger.] — And you don’t know where to go to. — [And deep down, I’m sure I hoped that was still the case.] Why don’t you go where fashion sits [So mere mortals such as I could only stand and press our noses up against the glass.] — Puttin’ on the Ritz — [Well, never meet your heroes it’s said.] — Different types who wear a daycoat — [Because, chances are, you’ll be disappointed.] — Pants with stripes and cutaway coat — [And a lot of the time that’s true.] — Perfect fits — [After all, no one, and nothing, can ever match your dreams] — Puttin’ on the Ritz... But not, I assure you, in this case...

For reassuringly, there are still some things money CAN buy.

And when I say money, I don’t mean hundreds or thousands of Charles Darwins (tenners).

Rather, just seven-and-a-half of the ‘ole man per person for a three-course lunch, including a glass of champagne, served Les Arts de la Table, Sunday to Thursday.

And really, can it get any better than that? No.

In fact, while still not... inexpensive, for a special occasion such as an anniversary or divorce, it equally shouldn’t break the bank either. And anyway, so what if a few cracks in your credit rating do show, this is The Ritz and trust me, having now eaten there, it’s worth Every Damn Penny.

And if there was a downside, it was only that I dared not ask the somellier to take a picture of myself and my guest, wining and dining a Thursday lunchtime away, for fear of looking naff.

That is my only regret, since the rest of our three-hour dining experience proved as near perfect as anyone salaried should ever hope to achieve.

It kicked off with a dressed crab roll with avocado and Charentais melon, and while that may sound nice on paper, it doesn’t even come close to describing how gorgeous this tasted in the mouth.

But having recovered from that assault on the senses (smell, sight, and 10,000 tastebuds), we were then treated to native lobster with morels and lemon verbena.

I’ll happily admit I’m no culinary connoisseur; far from it in fact. I like food but I don’t need to drool over how it’s made or the ingredients used. For me, it’s like art — if I like it, I like it, and if I don’t, I won’t buy it.

So I can’t lapse any further into Mills & Boon speak as I describe these dishes.

All I will say however is they shocked me. And ‘shocked’ IS the word. I sliced, forked, chewed and swallowed, and all the time looked to my lunchtime guest like someone high on fumes.

Indeed, by the end of the first two courses my mouth was aching. But you know what I really loved? That none of it — the menu, the food, the service was pretentious or icily austere.

Because let’s be honest, restaurants of this calibre can sometimes prove intimidating, and for me that destroys the whole point of eating out.

I don’t want to feel uncomfortable as I try to remember which spoon or fork to use. I just want to feel relaxed and welcomed, and uninhibited enough to say if I don’t understand a particular gastronomic expression (it took me years to learn how to pronounce Szechuan...).

Thankfully, dining at The Ritz is smart, sophisticated and snazzy — not po-faced and brittle, and hell, it’s just an hour away.

I didn’t have a clue what wine should accompany each course but the somellier was patience itself, suggesting wines whose labels I couldn’t pronounce but whose elegance and zest I could immediately appreciate.

In short, it was a magical experience, and when our main course, Bresse chicken demi-deuil en vessie was served, it becoame downright theatre (see above).

Served at the table with all the flourish of a first night opening, it was showmanship at its best.

In truth, that was it.

Something to talk about — “Yeah, who hasn’t eaten at The Ritz?” — and something to remember when the care nurse comes to change my sheets. I loved it.

Opening times: Breakfast (from £29 per person) Monday to Saturday 7-10.30 am. Lunch (from £47 per person) Monday to Sunday 12.30-2pm. Dinner (a la carte menu, menu surprise, pre-theatre dinner or Les Arts De La Table) Monday to Saturday 5.30-10pm.
 

Parking: Why worry? Take the train or coach.
 

Key personnel: Executive chef John Williams MBE has been at the helm of the hotel’s dining service for the past nine years, overseeing it’s rich culture of Escoffier-inspired food and service. The restaurant’s impeccable service is overseen by Simon Girling, while its wine list is overseen by Head Sommelier, Tobias Brauweiler, who came in the top six of the UK Sommelier of the Year Competition 2012
 

Make sure you try... everything.
 

In ten words: Regally unpretentious but royally swank with a dash of burlesque